G.O.R.E. (Cze): “Stand up sexy ladies, the Boogie Band is here!” full-length Cd 2013 Khaaranus

gore-standup

Among the various albums I got for review lately this must certainly be the absolute worse. Basically everything in this album is wrong in my agenda, everything. Once I recovered from the shock of seeing this is not the Brazilian Gore (as I expected, my hopes were crushed by the cover art the very second I picked the Cd out of the envelope) it took me just a few seconds to stare at the Cd, a digipack so glossy it looks oily. You got a scattering of pictures about sexual perversion scattered on the layout going from dildos, latex-wrapped whores, blasphemous images of Jesus, streaks of blood and so on. Not only however the Cd doesn’t come with lyrics but the very titles of the songs are in broken English.

While the overall layout is harmonic and certainly a result of some professional designer  it is the music that is just tragically bad. G.O.R.E. plays a disastrous patchwork of death/grind with among the worse vocals I have ever heard since Caninus or Anael (eheh). The growls are little more than dog barks, and in a pitiful attempt to quote Macabre they even manage to make it worse with Mickey Mouse choruses. The songs themselves have some decent groove in them sometimes (remind me a bit of late Neuropathia) but just as some good massive riff comes in another sloppy one intrudes and then those terrible, terrible vocals just spoil everything. I will not mention the last track, some sort of disco-remix that probably will make someone laugh. But – me – I personally think I just lost some minutes of my life.

How could a band like this get signed is really beyond me. If they ever managed to somehow kick out the vocalist(s?) and truncate all these shitty moshpit chugs in between, something good could be harvested from this shit, but I have little hope in that. Sorry, it was a pity since the label has been producing good stuff in the past, and this is probably the only updated review you are seeing in a long time. But stay away from this stuff, very FAR.

Lincoln Love Log (USA-Il): “Illnoise 2-Piece BBQ” Lp Cd 2007 Black Hole

Lincoln Love LogThis record is the perfect example of how sometimes expectations might be terribly, disastrously failed. A two-piece band from the Heart of Illinois, which was supposed to inherit the greatness of Impetigo, Lincoln Love Log had all the good chances to be great. Fernando of Black Hole has great taste for music and he’s a real veteran of the scene, not to mention a great artist when it comes to layout works. The artwork too is super slick and made by no other that Stevo himself. I was expecting pure hell. Everything was screaming for killer splattery grind with a nasty sense of humour.

Let me say things straight… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??? This might be the lamest, most boring, most useless band I have heard since a long time. Hidden behind a curtain of lo-fi noize, is just pure nothingness. Random weak riffing, cheap vocals like the worst Necrophagia  ever recorded, on a clumsy union of gay stoner riffs and boring mid tempos. Even with the best of intentions, I cannot understand why someone would actually listen to this crap for more that 3 seconds. I would spend my money better on Anal Cunt – at least they’re fast and vulgar, this band is just plain nothingness. Could trade it for Lullaby demos and i would be the one making profit. Fuck this crap, complete nonsense in a bad way – c’mon I love noise and incomprehensible music, but we’re not talking about extreme noise this time, just trendy mediocre shit for teenagers into drugs and that kind of stuff for losers. Which is worse than filling 30 minutes with just barfing. Fuck. Boycott this garbage.

TEARDOWN (Fin): “Cold Rooms” Cd-r 2006 s/p [demo]

TeardownWell first of all I wonder how the fuck this thing got among my promo heaps. This kind of emo-goth shit is so mellow I wonder if I could stand it as a whole. Seeing this was a Finnish band I was pretty sure the singer was at least a hotbody of the turbo-pussy brand, so I started looking frantically for band pics on the Internet but I am afraid this chick came up even being not that hot as I hoped. Seriously speaking I hate this shit music and this is just a matter of integrity to cut this thing short. The production is fine but this kind of Lacuna Coil/69 Eyes etc sad and melodic (not to mention pretentuous) movement has really come to saturation years ago. The production is fine, and the structures are simple but they work. Hell, how can you do wrong whan you have 2 riffs per songs and they’re also copied them from another million bands before, just watch MTV for 2 or 3 hours and make a patchwork. This is a genre that’s going nowhere really, but I am afraid I am going to listen to this band someday in a metal pub… Decent packaging of the post-McKean era, with Photoshop gringe duotones and guys desperating. At least we don’t have an angel on the cover this time.